No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Favourite diary entry ever
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Yeah. This was me today.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay