Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.