me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Deer are just ballerina dogs
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point