Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way