Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
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[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
how to exercise your calf muscles
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
We need more people like this.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.