My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup