MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
⚠️ Important Reminder:
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh