According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
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Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
john wicks are toilet candles
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.