The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”