A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
You Might Also Like
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her