My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
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Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
consequences, the bane of my existence
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.