Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”