My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
You Might Also Like
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.