Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
#Caturday
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR