idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.