Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
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4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Me driving through Toronto
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift