Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
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When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Good morning!
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?