HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
#SuperBowl
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
How is it still this week?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”