“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
✌🏽
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine