Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
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“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.