Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
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Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I need better friends
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.