If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
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if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.