WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
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mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
shit just got real
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Breaking news:
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.