If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
You Might Also Like
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
why no one uses midhusbands
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon