“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.