I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Ugh
ACED my prostate exam!
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I don’t think my car can fly
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha