Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
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Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.