The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
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Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.