My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Rich people don’t understand cereal