my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.