20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
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Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
girls literally only want one thing..
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.