My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
When ur friends with white people
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.