coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
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Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!