If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I pray every night that I never become religious…