The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
A great tip. #CakeRex
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.