#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
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Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
was Jim off killing horses or…
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.