‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Phones down.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?