If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air