my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.