Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
These are too funny not to post 😂
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”