Same pineapple, same
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“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
RT if you could go either way.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away