My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider