I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?