“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I think they could have phrased this better
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank