My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
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I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.