100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.