My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!