If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here