[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
You Might Also Like
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??