I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
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I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Tammy is short for Tamuel
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.